News for the OBSSEsed

To send in your burning question just email me at Ask Sister Autumn

Dear Sister Autumn, who walks in beauty like the night, without even an huge freaking flashlight to light your way, please assist me in my darkest hour of need.

I really miss the butt genie jokes. I'm a little afraid of what this says about my priorities.

Lens

Dearest Lensie,

This is the OBSSE. I really don't think that the butt genie jokes are truly down the drain. I think they are just resting comfortably in a dark warm place and looking for a prime candidate that they can hitch a ride to FEST with. Deep Roy may be currently out of sight, but he is never out of hind.

Oh Most Reverent and Tingly One, Sister Autumn the Demure,

This is my first time to respectfully seek your guidance. I have been a sister venerating the Blessed One for years now, but this season my faith has wavered. One night I found myself switching channels from our Enigmatic Saint - without taping the episode. Worse still, I switched it to a documentary on the history of underwear. I did reflect on Our Saint's own underwear display, but still, I feel very guilty. It was a good documentary though. What penance should I do to make things right?

Sister Vivien

Well, if the episode was SureKill, I can hardly make you do any penance for missing it. I wish I'd watched a documentary on underwear instead of that. At least you kept The Blessed One's garment choices in mind while learning the importance of support in the early 1800's. Did they cover why someone would wear a bra to bed or a black bra underneath a white shirt? Or were the early versions of the boob-phone discussed at all? Those answers might be helpful for the rest of the Abbey.

You can still recover from all this though. Just remember that the important thing this season is Scully's hair. If you concentrate on that it can occasionally distract you from what passes for writing on the show these days. I'll make your penance an easy one - compare and contrast Scully's underwear choices from the Pilot episode to today and present your findings in the Abbey lounge. Don't forget the visual aids.

Oh wise one...teach me...

I have a problem which cannot be resolved by copious amounts of tic tacs. I recently saw The House of Mirth. Okay... okay... I've seen it 5 times. This amazing movie presented me with a dilemma. As I sat in the theatre... bawling like a baby dropped in an onion barrel...I found myself contemplating sacrilege. You see, I fell in love with Lily Bart. This beautiful but flawed heroine captured my heart. She was naive but stoic. She was a raw nerve to run across. Simply put...she enraptured me.

I will always love Scully...but it's become a comfortable given. I don't feel that same electric zing.

Am I forever destined to forsake Scully for Gillian's role de jour?

Is Gillian really that good?

Yours faithfully,

LadyByron

Oh fickle one...learn from me...

First of all, yes, the lovely and talented Ms. Anderson is indeed both lovely and talented. That's a no brainer. She is really that good. House of Mirth is a very well made film which really doesn't deal much with houses and has absolutely no mirth whatsoever. Personally, I think a better name might have been Yacht of Misery or maybe Opera House of Inappropriate Color Choices or perhaps Love's Lawyers Lost or You Spent HOW Much on Dresses? or even Oh My God What is That Thing on Gillian's Head Masquerading as Hair?

Anyway, that is neither here nor there. While the performance was lovely, you must face the fact that Lily Bart's "flaws" included greed, drug abuse, sponging off others, gambling, and really poor hat making skills. Not exactly role model material as compared to, oh, I don't know... Scully. Now, I'm not sure how Scully would do making a hat but I'm pretty damn sure she could sew beads on straight.

Dear Autumn, she who is most demure and wise in her application of the trout, yadda yadda, you know the rest,

Is it possible to be too SOGgy? What would someone be like who was too SOGgy?

Sincerely,
A lightly SOGgy sister

How would I possibly know what being self obsessed is like? I mean I have a lot of knowledge about almost everything and of course everyone in the Abbey always comes to me in hopes that I might impart some of my vast wisdom, but this question is really too far out of the realm of my albeit large and dynamic life experience to answer. Seeing as how most things are about me, that probably shocks you. I'm sure everyone in the Abbey will be talking about this now. How the one person they look up to the most couldn't answer your plea. Oh well, they'll get over it.

To one of the leaders of my three religions that I follow equally,

I have a few problems. The first one is that I think I'm becoming another one of those people that like the MSR and the DSR. Help me because I'm scaring myself and others on lists that I'm on.

The second one is this: What do you do when the leader of one cult of yours tells you not to tell the leader of another cult of yours? And how does this situation escalate when A) You're asking the advice of the other cult leader, B) Both women are very similar, just that one of them is stranded on the other side of the galaxy 400 years from now and already had three kids in just one episode, and C) The third religion
has nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Awaiting any kind of response,

Hejira

P.S. What can you suggest for someone who's trying not to read spoilers for one episode, but shakes like an addict on one of those illegal drugs when she doesn't?

Things that scare me about your letter.
By Sister Autumn

A. You actually used the initials "DSR" as if something like that existed. That's just plain creepy. No wonder those other people are scared.

B. You are taking advice from an imaginary person on "the other side of the galaxy."

C. You are comparing me to said imaginary person.

D. This imaginary person who talks to you appears in "episodes" leading me to believe that the you think the people in your TV are talking to you about me.

Hejira. Step away from the galaxy far, far away and concentrate on the here and now. You know, things that actually exist. Like THIS religious cult based on a fictional television character that resides in a virtual Abbey run by a woman who uses a trout to punish bad nuns. Otherwise I think you're living in a fantasy world.

Dear Autumn, who wields a trout so flashy and sparkly that it could only be called a rainbow trout but we never would call it that because then it wouldn't be a powerful weapon it would be something that only people who wear pink shorts would use as a weapon and we know you're not that,

Hi. How are ya?

So, I've been having these dreams about Fest. I shouldn't be having dreams about Fest because I've never been to one. But I am and I want to know what they mean.

In the first one, Fest was being held in England. Aderyn was hosting all of us in this huge castle. People were running around and having a good time. So I was walking up to the castle to see what was going on. As I was doing that, some German planes started bombing the castle. I don't know if our German sibs were involved, but I do know that I was suddenly surrounded by OBSSE members shouting things about us
being bombed because Lily Tomlin killed Rania's llama.

In my second Fest dream, Fest was being held at an animal shelter in Minnesota where I was working in said dream. I was a janitor. (In real life, I'm a teacher, not a janitor, so this was especially odd.) Suddenly, Skull was there and she was bringing me a pack of cigarettes. The cigarettes were "Sexy" brand cigarettes. Then I smoked them. I don't smoke, so this was very strange. Then everyone ran to the back door of the animal shelter and jumped into a lake. I think I did, too.

Autumn, what do my dreams mean?

Kristin

P.S. Aren't you glad this letter wasn't about Scully's shoes?

P.P.S. Do you have any of Scully's shoes?

How interesting. I've been having FEST dreams too, but my mostly revolve around suddenly FEST being here and I've forgotten to do anything to prepare and am in full panic mode because everyone wants cheese or a hairdryer or their shirt or a bag full of cool things and apparently it is supposed to be provided by me. And then everyone gets mad and Paula's horns won't blink and Kirby refuses to let me touch her head and mandy gets surly and Meredith beans me with her guitar and Bryn won't do the thing with the feathers. So actually they are FEST nightmares. Perhaps I've been spending just a little too much time staring at the budget spreadsheet trying to make the numbers bend to my will. Oh, were we talking about you?

Your first dream is clearly the result of your desire to be in an actual castle-like Abbey with the rest of us even though you know it is as unlikely as Rania actually posting on-topic. Plus, I also think you are scared of Sisters Glasses and Fialka. Which frankly, is understandable. Glasses could squish you like a bug and Fialka - well - beware her "sock of doom" is all I'm saying.

Your second dream also, interestingly enough, features one of our "Severed" sisters - highlighting the fact that having never been to an actual FEST you feel a misguided kinship with people who had a much better excuse for missing these events because they lived half way around the world as opposed to, say, Dallas. It also means you want to now be an Abbey lemming and follow everyone to FEST so you can be part of the group even though you fear your bad habits and looks will make others look down on you.

P.S. Yes.

P.P.S. No.

Happy Birthday to the Blessed Saint Scully
the Enigmatic

In honor of St. Scully's birthday, I have composed this series of poems. Some of them go together, but they aren't all supposed to form one poem, so don't be dissing my skills. Light a candle in the chapel on your way out.

- - Sister Adrianne, of the OBSSE

She walked into the basement
In her cheap, plaid suit
And hair we'd never see again
They said that we would see his world
Through her eyes.
She shook his hand on our behalf.

She was loyal and smart
A crack shot, even though she blinked.
Her hair got shorter and more red
She lost her dad.
That was sad.
But, she also lost the plaid
And we were glad.

They took her away
Locked in the trunk of her car
And brought her back barren.
She bore a scar on the back of her neck.
Which we wouldn't see
Until Season Three.

She had dog called Queequeg
To go for a walk, he did beg.
He was eaten by a 'gator
(Though I wish it was a croc'
That way I could rhyme it
With "Conversation on the Rock")

Season Four
Angst galore
Our Saint is dying
Nuns are crying
Leonard Betts just won't stay dead
Mulder's kiss on her forehead
She told Eddie about Marcus--her high school steady.
"Elegy"--"She Is Me"
Creepy!
Is Mulder dead at the end of "Gethsemane?"

Scully's nose is bleeding--
Mulder's ready to do some pleading.
Our Saint is on her deathbed.
I'm going out of my head.
The Blessed Chip of Remission
Puts her back in commission
She says, "I am Emily's mother."
And gets more scowls from her big brother.
Two episodes in which there's kicking
One with bubbles to her legs, sticking
A porno nurse takes a licking.
Hooboy! Bad Blood in the town of Chaney
And back to Texas again in the movie.

Past!Scully's in the OSS? I just keep looking at her dress.
Dread White Blouse all soaked in blood.
Suburban monster made of mud.
Once again, she does not die
When old Fellig finally catches Death's eye.
Scully, get rid of that white blouse, willya?
'Cause now a writer is trying to kill ya.
Batting lessons in the park.
Evil mushrooms in the dark.
Mulder's going off his nut.
Scully's off to Africa to save his butt.

The Ivory Coast
A ship in the water
To keep them away
The water gets hotter

St. Scully's in "Hungry," but blink, and you'll miss her.
But she'll be there in "Millennium"
Where Mulder will kiss her.

Scully's in danger
From a blast from the past
When Donnie tries to bathe her
He gets a cap in his ass.

So traumatized by Donnie
Must our blessed Saint be
That her hair is styled quite badly
All throughout "Maleeni."

all things happen for a reason.
In the highlight of the Seventh Season-
Our Saint reveals her troubled past,
Leaving some viewers quite aghast.
Our Saint would never wreck a home!
Is it her fault that some men roam?
"I don't know what I have," she said
I'll tell you--Sex! In Mulder's bed!!!
At least, that what it looked like to me.
'Cause who gets naked just to go pee?

Chesty Short doesn't think it's funny
That our duo is spending so much money.
I'm sorry, but real nice shoes are expensive.
And it's not like her wardrobe is all that extensive.
She can't be spending that much, you'll admit
When most of her blouses don't even fit.

In Oregon, there's a giant baby
Scully's been dizzy--could it be?
Maybe?
No--that's impossible, her ova were taken.
Then out in the forest, she quite badly shaken
The aliens don't want her, unlike poor old GARY
Still, something's amiss, so we must be wary.
There must be a reason for all of that swooning
Who cares? As long as it gets Our Scully some spooning.

Back in DC, and the gang is all there
As usual, I'm checking out St. Scully's hair.
"It didn't want me," St. Scully reveals
"Mulder's in danger," and over she keels.

Scully's in hospital, but she is not ill.
For, as Skinner is leaving the room, she reveals
That whether or not it's by hot monkey lovin'
Someone's left a small bun in Our Saint Scully's oven.

Now Season Eight's here, and Our Saint should be glowin'
WIth impending motherhood--but she's not even showin'!
A Jeebus!Slug tried to make her its host
But Manly John Doggett's crack shot made it toast.
An evil butt genie was raising a ruckus
By traveling around in some janitor's toches
And we've found X Files math is not like our own
So, St. Scully's child will most likely be born fully grown.
But that's not so bad, no, it's not such a bother.
Maybe the kid can assist in the search for its father.

So, Saint Scully, this nun wishes you all the best.
In this season where our faith has been put to the test.
Let us remember the qualities we admire in you--
Loyalty, compassion, and a taste for nice shoes.
On this day, we'll remember who brought us together
Where we've met strange new friends we'll be stuck with forever. :-)

LAST MONTH'S POLL:

We can't help noticing that Scully's already dropped her gun twice this season, so last month we asked our readers how they thought she might lose it next. Here are some of the results, with a special thanks to Sister Teri for coming up with a creative "scene."

Tabby: She'll inadvertently hurl it out a third-story window while using it to club one of the writers. With any luck, it'll land on CC.

Hejira: What goes around, comes around. The poor butt genie returns, only to find out just how painful it is to have something up your butt - particularly a piece of metal at sort of right angles with a couple of bits sticking out. Scully tries valiantly to get the gun out of the butt of the butt genie, and it eventually gets shot out of the butt of the butt genie after a nice feast of chili laced with laxettes.

Sis Cindy: Last episode before The Lone Gunmen eps air. Mulder's back. Doggett's still assigned to the XF (CC logic.) While Mulder and Doggett are "duking it out" (manly-man vs. sickly, scrunchy-face man), Scully is sitting at Mulder's desk and tossing pencils into the ceiling tile. Scully hears an unusually loud slam against the outside door. She jumps, loses concentration on the pencils, looks disgustingly at the door and longs for a paranormal autopsy (maybe some invisible guy again; that would be kewl). She then begins again with the pencils. But her concentration has been broken and she is paying more attention to the shenanigans in the hall then what she is actually doing, so she grabs her gun instead (which is characteristically on the desk instead of in its holster), and throws that into the ceiling tile. All gone. (What? You thought I was going somewhere with the TLG series? Not.)

Sister Cyranetta: It's time for Scully to be reconnected with the aliens. Therefore, her gun is snatched from her by one of the UFO tractor beam thingies (it was supposed to pick up Scully again, but it got miscalibrated).

Kristin: Obviously, she'll point it at Mulder during the delivery of the Sculder baby, as all women blame men for the pain of childbirth. However, it'll fly out of her hand with the next contraction.

Zod: I foresee, the next time Agent Scully loses her gun it will be in a game of high stakes poker. She may be enigmatic, but a pokerface, she has not. One slight raising of the eyebrow upon seeing she's been dealt a pair of queens, and a pair of eights was all it took for Miss Scully to be hitching it back to DC with an empty wallet, and and empty holster. Damn the Gunmen influence.

Sister Teri:

[Enter Scully, very pregnant, wearing an extra-extra-large black pantsuit over the White Tank Top of Authority, which is stretched to capacity in more places then one. Doggett follows, helping Scully as she waddles along dangerously on her three inch heels. He is carrying a bucket of fried chicken. They are hot on the pursuit of something or other... well, as hot as you can pursue when you're pregnant, anyway...]

SCULLY: (frustrated) Damn! My feet look like a pair of Christmas hams. The cheap kind. Who knew being thirteen months pregnant could do this to you? Agent Doggett, do you have any of that fried chicken left?

DOGGETT: (inspects bucket of chicken) Yeah, a wing and a leg.

SCULLY: Gimme that drumstick, Agent.

DOGGETT: (whining) But you've eaten 10 pieces of the 12 piece bucket!

SCULLY: Quiet you! I'm pregnant, and I've got a serious craving for fried chicken. Now shut up and make it happen!

[Doggett hands her the food warily, and she chows down greedily.]

SCULLY: (chewing) That's better. I'm eating for two now, you know. (pats her gigantic belly) Isn't that right, Little Meepmork?

[A muffled snarling growl emits from her stomach. Scully giggles. Doggett looks really really scared, earning him a pitiful score for his Testosterone of Terror on the Manly-Man Meter.

Suddenly, out from behind the Kentucky Fried Chicken dumpster, their pursuee leaps, and runs in the opposite direction.]

DOGGETT: That's him! That's the guy!

SCULLY: (yelling, and dropping her chicken) Stop! Federal Agents!

[The stranger keeps running, so Scully and Doggett begin chase. Doggett immediately whips out his weapon. Scully reaches her hand down to her holster when...]

SCULLY: (stumbling and wheezing from the exertion of heaving her huge "big-boned" body around on her swollen, high-heel clad tootsies for those amazing five steps) My gun! I've lost my freakin' gun!

DOGGETT: (rolls eyes) Not again.

SCULLY: Shut up, you pathetic excuse for Mulder!

DOGGETT: What does Mulder have anything to do with this?

SCULLY: Nothing! Just help me find my gun, Agent Doggett!

[Doggett scans the ground.]

DOGGETT: I don't see it.

SCULLY: (disgusted) Honestly, who thought you'd ever make it in the Bureau with deductive skills like that? Check the dumpster where we discarded the chicken bucket.

DOGGETT: (wrinkling his nose in disgust and further lowering his Manly-Man score) Aww, why do I have to go into the icky dumpster?

SCULLY: Because you're the big macho man! And I'm almost 14 months pregnant. So get in there and look.

[Doggett begins his investigation of the KFC dumpster, while Scully decides to check her Bottomless Pockets for any sign of her weapon. She pulls out numerous items.]

SCULLY: OK, sunglasses... badge... tissues... latex gloves... evidence bags... scalpel... spare buttonless ill-fitting blue shirt... Do-It-Yourself DNA testing kit... Mulder's underwear, wait, oops! How'd those get in there?... alien implant... but no weapon. Damn! (stomps her foot impatiently)

[The stranger they were chasing has been trying hopelessly to climb over a fence this entire time. Apparently, he's in bad shape, as well as pretty dumb. However, he has just abducted by a hovering alien spacecraft which emits a blinding green light. Scully and Doggett do not notice.]

SCULLY: Agent Doggett, have you found anything yet?

[Doggett sticks his head out of the dumpster. He is covered in slime and chicken grease. A few stray cats try to feed off of the tidbits that are caught in his hair. Doggett, being a man's man, obviously does not like cats.]

DOGGETT: Get off, you stinkin' bastards! (Manly man points go up) No, Agent, I don't see anything over here.

SCULLY: (a bit helplessly) Where could it be?

[The alien craft emits its green beam once more, this time to spew Mulder out onto the alley. He is naked and covered in green alien goo. Scully and Doggett fail to notice.]

SCULLY: (placing hands upon her hips) I wish I could find-- HEY! My gun! (grins sheepishly) Oops, it was here the whole time. (she takes the gun from her holster and caresses it) I had a hard time feeling it, I guess, because of my humongous abdomen. Oh well. That mystery's solved. I guess I'd better repack my pockets. (She begins to load her pockets again)

DOGGETT: I understand. (He means this, although he has had to jump in the dumpster for her)

MULDER: Scully? Is that you.

[Scully looks over to Mulder with only mild surprise.]

SCULLY: Oh, hi, Mulder. How's outer space? We were wondering when you'd get back. This is Agent Doggett, my new partner.

DOGGETT: Pleased to meet you. (shakes Mulder's goo-covered hand since his own hand can't really get much slimier)

MULDER: Charmed.

SCULLY: (casually) Oh, and FYI, I'm 13 months pregnant with your child, Mulder. Just thought you'd like to know.

MULDER: That's nice Scully.

SCULLY: (observing the very naked Mulder) God, Mulder, you must really be cold! (opens her pockets again) I think I have something in here that might be really helpful to you...

[The three of them walk away back to the J. Edgar Hoover Building. And hey, just for the heck of it, let's have Scully give birth now instead of at her 5th trimester.]

THE END

OOPSIE!

OOPSIE!

OOPSIE!

OOPSIE!

OOPSIE!

You're all invited...

... to Scully's Baby Shower. Yes, you heard correctly. In the next issue, News for the OBSSEsed is hosting a virtual baby shower (hey, WORK with me here) so put on those thinking caps, break out those credit cards, and check out Alien Gap, and Pottery Barn for 'Lil Lizards. It will be soooo fun to open all those gifts, won't it? Maybe you'll win an extra party favor.

"Exactly what color does one get for a baby lizard alien?"

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